Things Daxter Is Not Allowed To Do
by DarkJakGirl
Summary: Samos finally decided enough was enough and made some fancy list of things I'm not allowed to do and glued it to one of the walls at the Naughty Ottsel. He threatened to, quote, 'tattoo it to my body' if I took it down or broke any of the rules. Crap.
1. Who Died And Made Him King Of The Rules?

Things Daxter Is Not Allowed To Do

1.** Paint Torn's tattoo's pink when he is sleeping.**

**2.** Or purple.

**3.** Glue Pecker to Dark Jak.

**4. **Convince Light Jak to use his Time Freeze to win at the slots.

**5.** Tip off Ashelin and the Freedom League that Samos is addicted to weed.

**6.** Clog Jak's Morph-Gun with peanut butter.

**7. **Spray paint "naughty stuff" on the Titan Suit.

**8.** And Samos's definition of "naughty stuff," not mine.

**9.** Put laxatives in Torn's beer.

**10.** Or anyone else's beer.

**11. **Or any other liquid of any kind.

**12.** Or food. In fact, no laxatives for Daxter.

**13.** Lock Pecker in a closet, and pretend to be Pecker to freak out Onin.

**14.** Ask Jak what the kid would look like if Dark Jak and Light Jak got married.

**15.** When Jak's at the Naughty Ottsel and just asks for water, I'm not allowed to scream "Hell no, H2O!" and throw a water balloon at him.(I totally got that from a movie!)

**16.** Steal one of Ashelin's bras and stick it in Jak's underwear drawer.

**17.** Try to sell the Heart of Mar to Jinx.

**18.** Draw a picture of Veger (human) in the Barbie Dream Van and mail it to Veger (Ottsel).

**19**. Blow up a Precursor Orb with the Peace Maker to see if they have any chocolate in them.

**20. **Dye all of Ashelin's clothes pink. _Neon_ pink.

**21. **Rig the Slam Dozer to play the Elmo theme song whenever you open the hood.

**22.** Replace all of Keira's tools with sticks and blame Samos.

**23.** Get Pecker lodged in the Whack-A-Metal-Head machine. (It was an accident, I swear!)

**24.** Nail Keira's underwear to Samos's log while he was asleep.

**25.** Spray paint the Javelin X orange.

**25. **Or any vehicle I don't own.

**26. **Ask Jinx and Razor to figure out whose cigar is longer.

**27. **Fill Cutter's radiator with gasoline. (**1)** (I never liked that guy.)

**28. **Sell Erol to the circus.

**29.** Sell people rides on Light Jak.

**30. **Sell anything that does not technically qualify as mine.

**DJG: "That was short."**

**Muse: "Should we make more?"**

**DJG: "I'm running out of inspiration for these already! GAH!" *Muse smacks over the head with a wrench* "Ahh, that's better!"**

**Muse: "Review fast or die slow."**


	2. Apparently, The Other Samos Did

**DJG: "Hey there, Muse, I decided to end this here because I can't come up with anymore ideas! That okay with you?"**

**Muse: "…."**

**DJG: "…Muse?"**

**Muse: *pulls out baseball bat***

**DJG: "…W-where'd you get that?**

**Muse: "Darke Eco Freak's review."**

**DJG: "Since when do you read my reviews?"**

**Muse: "Since now." *whacks DJG violently over the head.***

**DJG: *sits up* "GAH! Inspiration! It has struck me!" *starts typing***

**Muse: *pulls out bucket of baseball bats* "If it isn't funny, feel free to take a complementary baseball bat and beat the crap outta her with it!"**

**DJG: *screams***

**31.** I must not sell anything of Jak's on eBay.

**32. **I cannot use Tattooed Wonder's plans to start a barbeque at the Naughty Ottsel, even if it is to make him a steak.

**33.** I must not turn the Precursor Telescope and the stairs to get up to it into a theme park ride.

**34.** I must not call Samos 'Green Stuff', 'Loghead', 'Grandpa Green', or any combination of the three, including, but not limited to, 'Ole Log In The Head Grandpa Green'

**35. **I must not draw on anyone's face while they are sleeping, even if it's Jak, and it's funny.

**36. **I must not mail Ashelin's bra size into the newspaper. (It's 34-D!)

**37. **I must not light this list on fire, whether it be intentionally, or accidentally.

**38. **Or rip it.

**39. **I must not touch the list.

**40. **I must not draw a picture of Kleiver in a diaper, blow it up, and glue it to the Wasteland's doors while he's out on an artifact run.

**41. **I must not elect myself for Mayor of Haven City under the name 'Future Hokage Super Saiyan Ottsel Who Lived Supreme King of Worchester Sauce'.

**42. **Or any other name.

**43.** I must not elect myself for Mayor. Under _**ANY **_name.

**44. **I must not melt down the tools I stole from Keira and use the metal to make a statue of me for the Naughty Ottsel.

**45. **Or anything else.

**46. **Must not melt Keira's tools.

**47. **Cuz when that chick gets mad, it _hurts_.

**48. **Not allowed to tell the FBI or CIA that Jak is a drug dealer, alien, assassin, foreign spy, murder victim or anarchist and lead them to tap his phone calls and other stuff like that.

**49. **Not allowed to forge a love letter signed with Jak's name and send it to every girl in Haven City, Spargus, and Kras City.

**50. **Not allowed to forge a love letter signed with Jak's name and send it to every boy in Haven City, Spargus, and Kras City. And Errol.

**51. **Not allowed to tell Errol that Dark Jak sent him a love letter.**52.** Not allowed to try and sell Samos to a history museum.

**53. **Not allowed to help Tess mend the guns by using chewing gum.

**54. **Not allowed to sell Brutter. To anyone.

**55.** Not allowed to sue Torn.

**56. **Or Pecker.

**57.** Not allowed to hang a sign on the door of the Naughty Ottsel that states that no 'ugly old green men', 'ex-Krimzon Guard Tattoo Faced creeps', or half monkey, half bird freaks of nature' allowed.

**58.** I must not tie Pecker to a target in the Gun Course.

**59.** Or make cardboard targets of Torn, Samos, or Pecker and put them in the gun course.

**60.** But ones of Errol are okay.


End file.
